Do I even have the time or inclination to date?
I’m starting to feel that (and I’m sure this applies to women as well as men but I don’t get to see that side of things) everyone on dating apps is pretty much the same. Everyone’s “ideal Sunday” is a country walk, a roast dinner, then a snuggle on the sofa. Yawn. Then of course if they don’t say that, and try to be a bit quirky, funny, I think “bloody weirdo” and quickly swipe on past them, too. Oh and then there are the many, many guys who claim to be into “anything but vanilla”, followed by the winky eye, tongue out emoji. Soooo many of these, to the point that I feel as though vanilla must be the new kinky.
But I’ve started chatting to someone who seems nice enough. No weird vibes (as yet). No butterflies either… but does that even happen on dating apps? I worry that this technology simply isn’t for me. I’ve lived my life believing in meet cutes, but I should certainly be wise enough now to know they don’t actually exist.
So this nice bloke has asked if we can meet. I suppose so. But then I looked at when I’m free. I can do a Saturday afternoon in three weeks’ time. So… it’s not like I don’t have things to do. I’m busy. Life is full. I’m lucky, I know.
Maybe we’ll meet. Because it could be great, right? Maybe he’ll be The One. Obviously he won’t be because that’s not a thing, but maybe this time it’ll be different. Or maybe I’ll take so much time deciding whether or not to meet, he’ll just get irritated and unmatch with me. That would be the best outcome, actually; I don’t like making these kinds of decisions.
I can’t shake the feeling (belief?) that I should be with a “significant other”. At the same time though, I really can’t be arsed with sharing all my stories, listening to his, blah blah. But what if I’m lonely when I’m old? That said, I know plenty of people who are in relationships, and are cripplingly lonely: that’s the worst kind of loneliness. They’re the ones who look so angry when they’re, I dunno, in the supermarket, or sitting in a Costa, or driving about, desperate for an excuse to express a bit of road rage. The ones in need of confrontation: determined to find fault, have an argument, roll their eyes at things that content people just brush off. I’ve been that person and I don’t want to go back there.
Perhaps this is it, then? I’m not unhappy. Not at all. A friend of mine who came to see my comedy show a couple of weeks ago met a bunch of my other friends from over the years who had also come out to support me. (See? I’m super lucky.) And she said, kind of absent–mindedly, “You know some really good people.” And it’s true.
I also know some absolute arseholes, but don’t we all?
Seems the bottom line is, I’m looking for a person to be with me just in case I get lonely… and that’s not fair. Guess I should leave well alone, then. Decision made.
Well, that’s a relief!