20: Internet trolls — seriously guys, give your (ugly) heads a wobble
Jules is cat-sitting so has way too much time on her hands to muse brilliant women in the public eye, and why they make so many Pot Noodle Trolls so angry, no matter what they do.
Next episode 21: Coming soon!
Transcript:
Episode 20: Internet trolls — seriously guys, give your (ugly) heads a wobble
Jules O’Brian:Hello, I’m Jules O’Brian, welcome to another episode of Avoid Excessive Cleavage (and Other Advice to Ignore). This is a podcast that firmly believes that no matter your age, shape or size you should wear whatever you like and express yourself however you like, lives too
short to be letting other people bring you down. Even if sometimes it feels really hard to ignore them. This is not the podcast for you if you’re looking for something edgy, out there, or controversial, it’s more thoughtful, cosy, and relatable with an occasional side of
bafflement at the state of things thrown in good measure. But it is also the podcast that says no to unsolicited advice and inspirational quotes. Today’s inspirational quote is, “A woman will always be either too much or not enough. Will someone just hand me the fucking rulebook?” and that’s an
inspirational quote from Jules O’Brian, 2025, because this week social media has broken me and I think the reason for that is I’ve got a lot of free time on my hands, I’m cat sitting at my friend’s house. She's away on holiday having a lovely time and I am staying at her house and I thought
I was going to treat it like a lovely little holiday but as a consequence of that I’m spending way too much time scrolling through social media and just doom scrolling really and the consequences of that of course are that I’m seeing things I would really rather not see it’s just not healthy.
I really could just do with laying off the socials for a while, I think, and I think that is exactly what I’m going to do. So it does seem to me from some of the things that I have spent way too much time looking at reading, clicking on comments, — never click on the comments, — why can’t I take my own advice
when it comes to that? Never click on the comments. It does seem like it doesn’t matter what a woman looks like, what she wears, what she eats, how much she exercises (or doesn’t exercise), whether she’s had a baby, whether she’s never had children, whether she’s dating, whether she’s single, whether
she’s old, whether she’s young, whether she’s glammed up, or popping to the corner shop in a hoodie, she just can't win. I want to focus on just four women this week although to be honest I could focus on thousands of them I think: the number of things I’ve seen online this week, just oh God just being
vile for the sheer sake of it. It never ceases to amaze me. So yeah, four women that I want to talk about all in the public eye all utterly different in appearance and style, all absolutely torn to shreds by strangers on the internet most of them men, sorry guys because I know some really really
lovely men, but there are some real arseholes out there aren’t there? Some women too, but let’s be honest, I’m sorry, but what is wrong with so many of these guys who just can’t keep scrolling? Because if I see something online that I think I don’t agree with that, I don’t like that, I… that’s not
my cup of tea, I don’t find that person attractive personally, I don’t know whatever it might… or even or do you find that person really attractive, not once have I ever stopped to comment that stuff. I comment if somebody does something and I’m really pleased for them sometimes I can be a bit
of a fangirl. I love Whitney Cummings, American Stand Up, and she posted something this week that really made me laugh when I watched it and I did do that whole you know, “Oh this is so funny you’re brilliant,” and it’s a bit cringe but, you know, I’m sure that that’s quite a nice thing, isn’t it, if you,
if you see that as I’m sure if you know if Whitney Cummings has seen that I’m sure she appreciates it. But not once, not ever have I ever put underneath somebody’s post, “Oh my God, you’re so ugly,” or whatever. In fact that would be very mild wouldn’t it I just have to stop myself then from saying
some of the things that I’ve seen because it is disgusting. Okay so, one of the first people I’m going to talk about is Nelly Furtardo. Do you remember Nelly Furtardo? Singer, absolutely stunning, mid-2000s, I think, or early 2000s? She did a gig, I think it was at a festival this week,
and she was all spruced up in this very flouncy cool outfit, a lot of leg on show, having a nice time, doing her thing. And suddenly everyone’s a BMI expert apparently she's let's go. She, lots of jokes about how hugely overweight, fat, she is now, oh my God that’s disgusting…. No mention of her voice.
or the fact she’s still performing live after decades in the industry, just really unkind, gross comments about her appearance. Some of the people underneath, “Oh what happened to her?” LIFE, Derek, the same thing that’s happened to you.” Except you’re commenting this while you’re
fucking half naked in a gaming chair breathing through your mouth, yelling at your mum for another Pot Noodle. Just fuck off. The state of these people and you click on their profiles — and yes I’ve fallen down this rabbit hole this week. Like I say, way too much time on my hands this week right this is not
normal for me, it’s because I’m looking after these high maintenance cats and when I’m not letting them in and out and in and out and in and out of doors and feeding them even though they’ve just had a bowl full of food I’m clicking on Derek’s, Fred’s, Brian’s, Barry’s profiles to see you know how
gorgeously stunning they must be because they feel in a position to criticise talented, brilliant women who are resilient, standing the test of time, and doing their thing. Anyway, so, that was the first one, right, Nelly Furtado, absolutely ripped to shreds. Next one, okay,
Mel C, Sporty Spice, you know that’s how I will always think of her. She was seen on a yacht this week with her partner and oh my God she looks incredible. She is ripped, like arms and legs made of iron, her torso, Jesus Christ, she looks like if you challenged her to a plank off she’d destroy you,
you know, I mean as if as if I even would I’m literally I’ve just said that I’m sitting here prodding my belly which makes a lovely pillow for the cats that I am cat sitting at the moment. Seriously, you know, I am soft as shit. And I look at her, I think how have you done that? The dedication, the time, the absolute
determination it’s taken to get your body to look like that is phenomenal. Is it my cup of tea? Is it something that I find personally attractive? No. Do I expect her to give a shit about that? No. Would I be frightened that she might punch me in the face because she looks absolute nails if I
were to say that to her face? Yes. And rightly so, because how anybody can do that I just wow you know that takes so much determination. I have every ounce of respect in the world for her. Oh but no, no, no, no. Hang on, hang on! Derek and his Pot Noodle have got something to say about this, or you know,
the equivalents of these Dereks. There’s a lot of these Dereks about Dereks and Brians, or whoever, Trevor, I don’t know who they are. And they all tend to look quite the same, they might be the same person actually. They’re very generic, you know; there’s a generic kind of man who is making these comments. But
anyway the comments underneath this amazing picture of Mel C, “Why is that a bloke in a bikini?” “Bit much, innit?” “I bet she benches more than me!” Yes, she probably does and that’s probably why you’re mad about it, I’m guessing. Just that’s again vile, absolutely vile comments. “Oh, where’s her tits gone?” What?
Fuck off. Vile, vile, vile men. Um, oh, and then I saw a podcast interview with Emily Atack. And she was talking very eloquently very beautifully and honestly, being incredibly vulnerable about body image, pregnancy, being seen as a sexual object from a young age, and the shift
in identity that comes with motherhood. So you know she’s brilliantly articulate, very reflective, very funny, and like I say, being incredibly vulnerable, um, because it, it takes quite a lot, I think. I can’t imagine, you know, I mean, when you think about Emily Atack in the Inbetweeners, as the fit girl in inverted
commas what a role to get what um a persona to have to live up to, and she addresses this she talks about this and then going from that into sort of you know real life doing the things that she now does as, a as, a woman doing her thing you know having chosen to to become a mum and go down that route.
Obviously, a huge dramatic shift in her life, her body, she talks very openly about God she went through hell in her labour. I you know I was so lucky when it came to childbirth I genuinely I think about how lucky I was every single day. I’ve had three babies and each one of them,
I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was fucking painful at the time it really hurt. But it was over really, really quickly every single time and every single time the midwife said to me, “Oh you're not even in labour yet,” it hasn’t even been half an hour and I’m like “No, there’s something happening, there's something happening.”
And sure enough, a baby would pop out and I’d go home, and that was it. Um, so yeah, over really, really quickly. Essentially my body has been just a baby making machine, which is kind of cool, I guess. I’ve been incredibly lucky in that way but I know most birthing stories are not like that, and Emily talks about
that in gratuitous detail, bless her. She was in labour for 24 hours before they finally said, “Okay, we’re just gonna have to get this baby out” and they did a caesarean and the way she described this made me laugh out loud. She said “Oh great, you know, so now not only have you seen my bumhole, my vagina,
you’re also literally going to open my abdomen and see my intestines.” You know there was no dignity in any of this, it’s not um it’s not something any of us wants to think about happening, but she says it so brilliantly you know it’s brutal but also truthful, and brilliant, and honest, and yeah, just like
as I so eloquently and articulately put. So, I listened to Emily on this podcast talking about stuff that I was very, very interested in because you know the whole aging thing is very much my my wheelhouse and the comments underneath, here we go, the comments underneath, “Oh my God, who does she think
she is,” “Oh, as if anybody’s ever called her fat.” Oh, she’s lying then, is she? She’s lying then? Okay, right, um, oh my goodness, one of my favourite ones: some guy that said, “Oh well, my mom had four children. I’d better tell her that actually it’s Emily Atack who’s the only one who’s ever given birth.”
Fuck off. Until you’ve pushed a human out of your body, do not, do not tell me that every woman isn’t allowed to talk about it until the cows come home if they want to. It’s amazing to me that we’re not all banging on about it constantly. It’s horrific, it’s the most traumatic thing our bodies will
ever go through, and yes, is perfectly natural. No, it’s not a miracle. Yes, it’s just pure science and biology. But it’s really, really hard. I mean I’ve just talked about mine as if I know it’s a piece of piss. What I’m saying is, relatively speaking in comparison to other women’s birth stories I’m very
aware of how lucky I have been but it’s still fucking awful. I thought I was gonna die every single time because the pain is like something you can’t begin to imagine so, um, so yeah. Anyway, can you hear how angry I’m getting about this. Uh, finally, who have I done so far? So far I’ve done Nelly Furtardo, I’ve
done Mel C, and I’ve done Emily. Right, okay, finally, Charlize Theron. Possibly one of the most consistently stunning women on the planet surely, certainly to my mind, she could be wearing a binliner and still like look as though she’s just stepped out of a Vogue editorial. So, the other day it was her
birthday, I think she’s in her late 40s possibly even her 50th actually, I don’t know, that’s not important. But there was one of these fan page things you know that posted a picture of her saying oh Happy Birthday Charlize Theron. And the comments underneath that, now you’ve got Charlize Theron, right, she
is a goddess she would have been famous in the 20s 30s 40s, whenever, not just because of her beautiful looks but also she is a phenomenal actress if you see her in anything she’s absolutely fantastic. So, she’s, you know, one of those sickening people because she’s so immensely talented, and
beautiful, and seemingly perfect in every way. Anyway, so this fan page posted a picture of her and she’s wearing this very glamorous outfit, it’s got like this corset top, it’s quite low cut, she looks just beautiful. The comments underneath — don’t click on the comments, Jules. Just do not click on the
comments. It's like a form of self-harm, why do I click on the comments? — the comments underneath so first of all we get um “But she could still give a good blowjob.” Oh, that’s nice, that’s lovely. “Oh, she forgot to put a top on,” oh that’s lovely yeah. Um, “Yeah better some 20-year-olds
getting to bang that.” What is wrong with you? Fuck off you absolute, little cretin. Just what possesses someone so you let’s say you have that thought go through your head right and none of us is perfect, we all have some dodgy thoughts go through our heads every day, I know
I do. But surely, even as your halfway through typing out that sentence would they not a part of be a part of your brain that goes “Yeah, I’m gonna sound like a right twat if I post that people aren’t gonna look at and think, ‘Ha! He's really clever. He’s really funny.’” They’re gonna
think what dick, or weird thing to say, or at least anyone who’s opinion counts is gonna think that. I don't know I'm preaching to the converted, aren’t I? Do you know what this is? Just therapy. I just need to get all of this out I think because I’ve been on my own for a few days now I've just got all
of these thoughts is this how it starts? Oh my God, am I gonna turn into one of them, am I gonna turn into a Pot Noodle eating troll? Is that what happens? Shit, I need to get out, I need to go and do things, I need to meet people, because I don’t want to turn into one. I can feel myself becoming more and
more bitter and angry. Oh God, am I gonna become an awful, awful internet troll? I don’t think so, I don’t think so. I feel like I’d rather take up a very violent sport and then go and track them down. I don’t feel like I’d be very scary even if I did, but you know in my fantasies that’s, that’s
kind of what I want to do. I don’t know, I click on these people’s profiles and not one of them that is passing comment is in a position to do so. Not one of them looks like they’ve seen daylight recently, you know. Not one of them looks, secure, happy, well moisturised, just, and yes I know I’m commenting on
physical appearance but you know what, they’re saying things about people who have no come back they they’re saying awful things about people who are creative, just generally putting stuff out there, and being the kinds of talented individuals that you know provide us with entertainment, and
God knows, in this shitty world that’s falling apart around us, we need it. And then you’ve just got and what do these people think? Do they think the world would be better if it were only full of them? Imagine the horror of that I just I despair. Honestly, I despair. I’ve talked before about how
I have limited comments on some of my social media outlets but even then some get through and it’s just…. I’m nobody, do you know what I mean, I am nobody in the grand scheme of things. If you can compare me to Charlize Theron, or Mel C, or Emily Atack, or Nelly Furtardo, you know,
everybody knows who those people are, nobody knows who I am, I really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things and yet people still feel the need because I think just because I’m a woman sticking my head above the parapet and trying to do something especially trying to do something later in life
because I haven’t had the good grace to just slink off and become invisible that I’m fair game. I’m just so, so sick of it. It makes you second guess what you post, it makes you wonder if maybe you should lose a bit of weight or if I should up my Botox or if I should actually be saving money
towards having that full facelift that I fantasise about, God forbid I ever come into a load of money, I’d be unrecognisable. It’s exhausting, you know, and I hate the fact that I’m so hung up on other people’s opinions, that’s a part of myself that I’m really dislike. Dislike: I don’t know if that’s
the wrong word, but I get very frustrated by it because it seems impossible to work past. What worries me is that you know I’m a woman in her early fifties who, like I say, I’m a nobody, right, and I struggle with the comments on social media, not just comments made about me because they’re relatively
few and far between, but the comments about women in general. I see those and think shit if they’re not regarded as being enough, if they’re ugly, if they’re not fuckable, if they're untalented, what am I? You know, and I know it’s stupid, I know that’s probably an overreaction, but if I’m brutally honest
that’s what’s going on in my head. That’s, that’s the bottom line. So, I worry for the generations coming after me, you know, I’ve got two daughters and a son they’re all in their twenties and I worry for them and I worry for the ones even younger than them you know I used to be a teacher
and it was bad enough when I left teaching a few years ago but social media is now so out of control you know. My kids can’t imagine, can’t remember a world without the internet and that’s quite startling, isn’t it. Now, it’s 24/7 scrutiny, filtered faces, unsolicited feedback from the nations
most underqualified panel of judges, and yeah women keep showing up they keep putting themselves out there, keep creating, keep performing, speaking, singing, laughing, dancing, just existing. And just existing seems to be quite offensive to some of these people who want to tear them down.
So, hats off to Nelly, and Mel, and Emily, and Charlize, and all of the women who I keep seeing putting themselves out there and going for it and being so super resilient you’re stronger women than I am and to everyone out there scrolling, judging, commenting, go outside,… go outside, meet some people.
You might like it. See what it’s like out in the open air, reconnect with reality. Or even better, you know what, try putting something out there yourself instead. Have a go at creating something, something positive, something that contributes in a positive way. Whether it’s to make people laugh, or whatever
it might be. Just try something, rather than being an arsehole. See what happens. Right, that’s your lot for this week. If you’ve enjoyed my rant please share it, subscribe, leave a nice review, unless you’re planning to say something horrible about, I don’t know, my neck, in which case, piss off.
Thank you so much for listening. I’ve been Jules O’Brian with the Avoid Excessive Cleavage (and Other Advice to Ignore) podcast. I hope to see you again, until then just remember to ignore the unsolicited advice, and comments, and daft inspirational quotes. I hope life treats you well.