15: Done with dead fish, Hugh Grant, and an unsatisfactory cervix
Jules realises that dating apps are never going to work for her; she has a somewhat shallow takeaway from Adolescence; and is forced to discuss Frank Skinner whilst enduring a most undignified procedure; oh, and Hugh Grant makes an appearance, with his Heretic film.
Transcript:
Episode 15: Done with dead fish, Hugh Grant, and an unsatisfactory cervix
Jules O’Brian:Hello, this is Jules O’Brian with the Avoid Excessive Cleavage podcast, a podcast for anyone who wants to ignore unsolicited and unhelpful advice. I have deleted all dating apps, that’s it.
Finished, done, no more, I am officially retired from the world of awkwardly crafted bios and people holding dead fish. That’s probably a bit cruel, I know that’s kind of, sort of stereotypical hack thing to say about
them, but there’s a reason it’s a cliché, you know, because it’s true, but I just can’t find, I just can’t find two–dimensional pictures of people attractive. It’s never worked for me.
Even when I was a kid, you know, I was never somebody that had posters of pop stars on my walls. I did have female pop stars actually because there were people I wanted to emulate, so Debbie
Harry, Wendy James, Marilyn Monroe, but I never had pictures of guys, you know, all my friends would have pictures of A–ha and Duran Duran and stuff, and I just couldn’t, I didn’t get it, I didn’t understand how you could like a picture in that way.
So I don’t know, yeah, that’s it, gone, done. And I just think it’s weird to me because I’ve had crushes on people who I hadn’t been remotely drawn to when I first met them, but then you get to know them as a person and suddenly they’re
gorgeous. And similarly I’ve met objectively stunning people who, upon close to acquaintance, turn out to be absolutely arseholes.
So for me, attraction is about more than just looking at a person on an app, sorry if you can hear my dog snoring. And dating apps just completely, Alfie, dating apps just completely remove any elements
of discovery and that’s, that’s no good for me. And I know this applies to me as well, so I’m including myself in one about to say, but everyone on dating apps is the same.
You have no alternative, everyone is the same. It’s just this sort of giant beige mush of people who enjoy long walks and a Sunday roast and don’t take life too seriously and ‘be genuine.’
I don’t even know that means, ‘be genuine.’ So I can’t, I’m just done with it. I can’t be doing with any of it anymore.
I’ve just decided that I’ll just stay alone forever, not lonely. It’s a very different thing, isn’t it? I’m not lonely at all, but you know, I’ll stay alone all wait for Mr.
Right to come along or Mrs. Right whatever works to be honest at this point. I was talking to my best mate of the day and we were saying, she’s single as well, just a couple of years younger than me.
And we were sort of saying, you know, if only we were gay, wouldn’t it be great? Life would just be so much easier to the point where I was like, you know, conversion therapy, obviously horrible, horrible thing that gay people are forced to undergo sometimes in some
places. And I thought, well, what if, what if we could try it the other way around? Maybe, is it wrong to say this?
But it’d just be great, you know, it’s like a gay induction program, something like that. I’d sign up. My best mate is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner.
But, I have no romantic feelings towards her. And if I could change that, I would, I wonder if that could be a thing, it couldn’t. I’m being stupid, but you know, if only. I keep getting sent these inspirational quotes or,
I don’t know, things that therapists have supposedly said, I don’t know, but it’s all stuff about, “Oh, you must love yourself first.” “Take yourself on dates, be in a relationship with yourself.”
And I’m all for it. You know, we just, we never argue about, you know, what to watch on Netflix or what take away to have, I suppose.
But I wouldn’t trust myself. I wouldn’t trust myself. I could wine and dine myself beautifully.
And obviously the sex would be great, but I don’t trust myself not to start seeing someone younger. And then, and then I’d just break my own heart.
If I left myself for someone hotter, that’d be, that’d be really horrible, you know, left for a younger model by myself. Just, I don’t know, I’m not willing to take that risk.
I’ve been hurt before. The whole thing of getting older, anyone who knows me knows that that’s a bit of an obsession of mine.
And I know when I talk about this, I do have people say, oh, you know, it’s better than the alternative and, oh, you’re lucky, you know, you’re lucky that you’re healthy, you’re lucky that you’re still here.
Plenty of people have gone before they’ve reached your age and I know all of that. And I am, I genuinely am grateful to still be here and healthy and all the rest of it. And I kind of had an experience a couple of months ago that I’ve only just now been able
to talk about without getting upset and this is really, really shallow. Okay, I know what I’m going to sound like, but I had, I had a couple of years in a row of dodgy smear tests.
So after the third one, they said, right, okay, we better get you seen too. We better get you in for a colposcopy. If you don’t know what that is, it’s, they inspect your cervix under a microscope so they take
a little sample of it and just make sure nothing sinister is going on. So like I say, you’ve got a bear in mind when I tell you this, that I have a big issue about aging, huge chip on my shoulder.
And I genuinely am grateful for my life, my family, my health, but not the wrinkles. You know, I’m perfectly open and honest about the fact that, you know, I do have tweekments, I have filler, I have Botox, not a great deal, but enough just so that it’s subtle, I know
that I’ve had it, you know, and I’ve had a boob job. I mean, that’s, that’s again, that’s very common knowledge. I’m perfectly open and honest about that.
And if there was anything I could do to, to freshen up any other bits and pieces as well, like my cervix as it turns out, then I would, I, I started to think that I would do it. I think I’ve got a problem.
So, you know, I’m there having this colposcopy done. I’ve got my feet in stirrups. I’m in the most undignified position you can imagine.
The whole thing is horrible. I’d arrived and they didn’t ask me to do a pregnancy test, which I thought, frankly, was rude.
The doctor was rummaging around down there for ages and I could just hear again, really frustrated. She kept going [sigh]. It’s just like, oh, okay, I’m sorry.
I like, it was out of control. I couldn’t do anything to help her. And she kept getting loads of different implements out.
Loads of like different metal implements clanking around down there. And I had no say over what was going in and out and what was happening. The lovely nurse that was stood by me could see me getting more and more anxious and distressed.
And she knew that I was a comedian and she started talking to me about her favourite comedian, Frank Skinner, as it turned out. So I’m there in this ridiculous situation with these bits and pieces being stuck in and
out of my bits and this lovely nurse chatting away to me about Frank Skinner and how he says things that, you know, perhaps he shouldn’t be allowed to say and one thing and another and the whole thing was very, very surreal.
Anyway, long story short, after what felt like an eternity, the nurse that was down in between my legs, sorry, the doctor that was down in between my legs eventually pops up looking incredibly angry and just went, “That is an unsatisfactory cervix.
She will have to come back in six months,” and then she just left. She just left. That was that.
So I said to the nurse, “What just happened? What does she mean?” And the nurse said, and she didn’t mean this in a horrible way, but the words that came out
of her mouth were, “Oh, it’s because once you reach a certain age, your cervix goes shrivelled.” Shrivelled. There isn’t a worse word, I don’t think, that she could have used to me.
You know, I know things age, I know they do. But don’t call my cervix shrivelled. I mean, not any part of me, but don’t call my…
Can you get Botox in your cervix because I’m seriously thinking about it? So the next time I go, she’ll go, “Oh gosh, you’ve got the cervix of a woman twenty years younger.” You know?
That, it upset me. It upset me a stupid amount. I mean, I don’t, what do I need my cervix for? I don’t need it. But I want it
now that I’ve been told that it’s not really there. The whole thing was just awful. I have been thinking about what it must be like to be somebody much higher up the comedy ladder than I am because I’ve been wondering, what must it be like to…
Basically, does the feeling of not being good enough ever go away? Does the feeling of, “Oh gosh, okay, so the next milestone I want to achieve is…”. Does that ever go away?
Even if you’re, you know, someone right at the top of your game, do you ever stop wanting the next thing? Because I do remember, you know, when I first started doing this for years back now, I was
just grateful to be able to perform at an open mic night. I was really happy to do that. I got so much out of it.
And then I was happy when I reached a point where people would say, “Okay, you know, we’ll pay for your petrol.” And then I was happy when I reached a point where people would say, “Oh, we’ll pay for your
petrol, couple of drinks, and here’s a tenner for, you know, get yourself something nice.” And then it’s built, and built, and built. And I can’t believe now that I’m in a place where I am, I’m living from it.
I’m really lucky, really happy, really grateful. But the goal posts keep moving, and my own goal posts, I mean, I keep moving my own goal posts because, you know, sometimes I have to pinch myself when I’m in Green Rooms.
I’m like, oh my God, this is my life now. This is amazing. I’m gigging with people sometimes
I used to go and watch, you know, and that’s brilliant. And quite often now, I gig with people who are friends with or who work with Katherine Ryan.
Now, I adore Katherine. I absolutely, you know, I hold her, She’s on this huge pedestal for me.
I just think she is so hard–working, so funny, so insightful, so clever, so ballsy. You know, she’s everything I would like to be. And so for me, part of my ambition in comedy is to reach a point where I, in some professional
capacity, work with her, you know? And yeah, now I’m lucky enough to work with people who do exactly that. So, I guess, yeah, maybe I’m getting closer to being able to do that.
It still feels like something that’s, you know, a million miles away, but you never know. But the point I’m making is that I’ve shifted my goal posts because Katherine is a judge on Canada’s Got Talent.
And there was a clip popped up on my Insta the other day of her with another one of the judges who happens to be Shania Twain. Now I also adore Shania Twain because I adore country music.
I just think she’s again, just another fabulous talent. And Shania, they were backstage at Canada’s Got Talent. And Shania was playing guitar and singing.
And Katherine was sort of looking at her adorably with these big doe eyes and saying very complimentary things to her. “Wow, that’s the next thing now.
I’ve got to work with Katherine and Shania.” So, you know, do I…, where does this end? You know, when do the goal posts stop moving?
What’s next, Dolly? You know, that’s probably, yeah, actually, that would be amazing. But my point is that feels ridiculous.
The idea of ever working with Dolly Parton feels insane. But because now I know people who work with Katherine and Katherine works with Shania. Oh, maybe, wait, can I, can I, if I work hard enough? Maybe?
So stupid. I’m going to be so embarrassed listening to this back. I don’t want to listen to this back.
I’m so cheesy. I’m glad nobody listens to it. Like everyone else in the country this week, I have binge watched Adolescence the new
Stephen Graham mini series on Netflix. I don’t think I can say a great deal that hasn’t already been said. It’s being talked about left, right, and centre quite rightly.
It’s just phenomenal. What I will say as an ex–teacher is that it’s the most accurate depiction of life in a secondary school that I’ve ever seen.
You know, every time we try to achieve something, every time we try to do something, something else interrupts it or something else gets in the way. The behavior of kids, the way that teachers are just so beaten down.
For me, that was fantastically done. And Stephen Graham, oh my god, he is just incredible.
Every role he plays is, he’s just phenomenal. He never misses. And he’s only five foot five.
Now, I’ve got a real crush on him now because he’s this brilliant, strong, talented, charismatic man. Clearly, with a fantastic moral integrity because he wrote—co–wrote—the show as well, what a legend.
But I’m five foot nine. Now I’m making this into a very shallow thing, but I wonder if we can actually know he’s got a wife who is also in the show and she’s incredibly talented and lovely as well.
So we can’t make it work. I wonder maybe he’s got a brother that could that could be a solution. Maybe that’s worth looking into.
The other thing I watched this week was Hugh Grant’s Heretic. I knew it had been marketed as a horror film, but I wasn’t expecting what I got. I wasn’t expecting to particularly enjoy it.
I just, you know, horror is my guilty pleasure. Why do I have to say guilty? I love horror films.
I do. And I thought I’d just give it a whirl. So, I stuck it on and absolutely loved it.
It taught me stuff and I need to research to find out if the stuff that Hugh Grant’s character, who is essentially a theology professor, academic, researcher, he and he plays a right bastard in it as well,
he’s mental and mean. The stuff that he knows about religion and the information that they give you, I was like, oh my god, I didn’t know any of this stuff.
So clever. And I must check to see if it’s true. I think it probably is.
But then maybe I’m just being gullible. But I loved the film. The two actors that play the young women who are sort of lured into his house and get
trapped there, I’m not giving anything away, hoping to convert him to their religion are absolutely fantastic, just so good.
And I loved it because I wasn’t sure if I was watching a thriller or a horror or a slasher or a supernatural movie. It’s got all of these elements to it and it keeps changing as you’re watching it.
So I would just thoroughly recommend it. You don’t have to be a horror fan at all to watch it. It’s just a brilliant, brilliant film.
And Hugh Grant is an absolute revelation in it because he plays, he’s still Hugh Grant, but to see him in a horror and playing the character that he does and doing it so well was kind of, yeah, kind of cool.
Would would would would recommend. Okay, so finally, wouldn’t be my podcast would it if I didn’t go on a little bit at least about Imposter Syndrome.
But finally, I’m off to Altitude Festival. In Mayrhofen in Austria on this Sunday. This Sunday. I can’t believe it’s come around and I am terrified.
I feel like I’m the kid going on a school trip and I’m the nerd who’s going to have no friends. I know it will be fine, I know it will.
I wish I could care less about that side of things. Why can’t I just go, oh my god, I’ve got this fantastic opportunity. This is so exciting.
I’m going to have a fabulous time. But I don’t seem to be able to do that. I just worry about all the things that could go wrong.
What is wrong with me? So for example, I did a gig last night in Alcester in Warwickshire. Gorgeous audience, very, very middle middle-class, just a beautiful place.
So I felt immediately intimidated that whole thing again of not good enough to be here. They won’t like me. And I should have tried out a load of some of my new material that’s been working well when
I’ve been doing new material nights. But I chickened out. I’d spent all yesterday afternoon rehearsing this new stuff, editing it, listening to it back, listening to me, saying it at new material nights, going back over it, but yeah, I’ve got
that now. I can interweave it into my standard stuff so that you know, I can start building it up and working on that as well.
And I chickened out, I didn’t use it. I left so angry with myself, what was the point of that? So I wasted all of that time yesterday on something that I just threw out the window
at the first little glimpse of nerves or, it wasn’t even nerves, it’s just, I don’t know, self–doubt, whatever it is. But at one point when I was on stage, I was, I found myself thinking, “Maybe I just need
a few drinks before I go on.” Is that, I think, if I could just have a few drinks before I go on stage, I would be a better performer.
I mean, mad things that go through your mind. Obviously, that’s not the way forward. I know that in my sensible brain, but there’s got to be a way of just feeling less like
that. You know, I look at performers who are above me on the comedy ladder, who it doesn’t matter if you stick them in, you know, the roughest pub in the world or, I don’t know, stick them
on stage at the Palladium with the King in the audience, they will smash it, you know? And I look at those people and think, how are you doing that? How can you, how are you so, and they come across as well as like, so doing it so kind of
casually and yeah, this is just what I do. And I know they’re not feeling like that really. I know that it’s taken years and years and years and years of practice.
But I just, I feel like I’m nowhere near being able to achieve that level of professionalism, I suppose, confidence, all the rest of it, but I guess you just got to keep doing it, keep doing it, and doing it, and doing it.
So hopefully, I don’t know, then this kind of brings me back full circle to what I was saying about the, you know, moving the goalpost, do you ever feel like you’re good enough? Do you ever feel like, oh, there we go, smashed it now, that’s it.
Job done. There is nowhere else to go with this. I really don’t think that happens to anyone ever.
Or if it does, does that mean those people are doing it wrong? I don’t know, sorry again, if you can hear my dog making noises, but, you know, I just decided to record it wherever I was, and whoever I was with, and it’s just that Alfie’s here
with me, bless him. Anyway, that’s this week’s podcast episode. Thank you for listening.
If you have, really appreciate it. It’s lovely to have people occasionally say, “Oh, by the way, listened to your podcast,” because it always takes me by surprise, because I don’t think anyone listens to it.
So thank you so much for listening and yeah, see you next time.